


Do You Really Want This?

by Jerry_Larchive



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M, JPOV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 23:02:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11171916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jerry_Larchive/pseuds/Jerry_Larchive
Summary: The title tips off the 12x11 setting for this angsty OS.What goes through Jackson's mind as he and April finalize "one of the simpler divorces" his lawyer has ever seen?





	Do You Really Want This?

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by something I saw on Tumblr about how we the fandom now look back at the divorce as the "good times".  
> It elicited a laugh from me and also a desire to go back and watch 12x11, which remains in my mind as not only one the best GA epi ever, but one of the most powerful and emotional hours of tv ever produced. No matter what happens with Japril's future, we'll always have their incredible past to go back and experience.
> 
> Since this scene screams out for a fanfic, I wouldn't doubt that someone else had done it (and probably better) but I need to get it out of my system anyway so here it is.

“No shared assets.” my lawyer was saying as we sat, that big heavy table between us. Of course there was a lot more between us than that table but that's why we were there to begin with.

No children.” No living ones anyway. We damn sure wouldn't be here if Samuel was alive.

“And, of course, there's a solid post nuptial agreement in place.”

That fucking agreement. My mother's revenge for us running off to get married without her consent and attendance. Nevermind that she loves April. She had insisted and I wanted to tell her to stuff it. But April is a better person than I am, even toward my mother. So she was happy to sign. But then, neither one of us ever expected the damn thing to see the light of day again, did we? But a lot of things happened that we didn't expect.

“With nothing to contest it's just about signing the papers.”

Yeah, just that. Nothing more than putting ink to paper. Almost as easy as turning off a respirator. And same result. A living, breathing thing, once loved and cherished, is put to death.

He pushed the papers toward her. She shrunk back in her seat a little as though he were pushing something ugly and poisonous across the table, and I guess he was.

“The places to initial and sign are all clearly marked.”

To make it easier for you to put an end to this marriage, our marriage, that you swore you'd find a way to save. But you underestimated my hurt, didn't you? Or maybe you overestimated me. Maybe I fooled you into believing I was somebody who always kept my promises. Maybe you didn't realize that when I promised to love and honor you that I meant only until you did things I didn't understand, things that made me doubt myself, and doubt you. Because I couldn't possibly deal with someone I love running out on me. No, better to be the one to cut and run myself. Because, you know, I'm the problem. I must be because this keeps happening to me. It started with my father and then you went to fucking Jordan. I wasn't enough reason for him to stay or enough for you either. So fuck you both. I don't need either of you.

Except I do.

But I'm far too damaged to admit it.

Her lawyer is saying something about red tabs and blue tabs but I'm not listening to her. I'm watching April. She's looking at the papers. The papers she's been fighting, and dodging, and resisting, and refusing for so long now. But there they are. They are real. They are right there with their red and blue tabs. They have her cornered. Trapped. They are about to win the fight. She loses.

Who the fuck am I kidding? We both lose.

Then my lawyer says the most amazingly stupid thing I've ever heard.

“This is one of the simpler divorces I've seen actually.”

If my heart wasn't already broken, the look on April's face right then would have done it.

But it's just what I need. I hear Sloan in my head. _Attaboy! Say it loud, Avery my man._

I slowly push my chair back from the table and stand up. “Enough.” I say. “April, I was wrong. About all of it. I was... I am hurt and angry and we have a lot of work to do to repair the damage we've done to each other but this,” I gesture toward the divorce agreement, “is not the answer. Not for two people that love each other. And I do love you, April. And I think you still love me, in spite of all this. Do you?”

And she stands and says “Yes, I love you.”

That's all I need to hear and I come around the table and take her hand and we walk out of that office together and leave the stunned lawyers behind to scratch their heads and tell the story around their office of the divorce that never was.

But that's not what happens. I don't stand up. I don't hear Mark in my head. And I don't admit to her that I still love her. Because all that would have taken courage that I don't have. If I had that courage we wouldn't be sitting here in the first place.

What does happen is that I sit there silent and cowardly.

Then she turns to me. She is so tragically beautiful I fear that if I exhale I might just crumble into dust. And she gives me a second chance!

“Do you want this. Do you really want this?” she asks. And I know from her voice she is using every bit of strength she has to hold herself together. But its my second chance. Its my frickin miracle second chance.

Do I _want_ this? Fuck no, I don't _want_ this. I've never wanted anything less in my life. Of the hundred reasons I have for forcing this upon her, upon us, _want_ doesn't make the cut.

And before I can even really think my body starts to move. Somehow I've found the courage. Maybe she's passed it to me. I don't know. But it's happening. I'm moving. I'm standing up. I'm standing up to my father. I'm standing up to my demons. I'm standing up for her. I'm fucking standing up for us.

No. I'm not.

I fall back in my chair instead. I'm beaten. Not by her. I'm beaten by myself. Again. In the biggest contest of my life, I got nothing. Can't muster a single word.

I go down without a fight.

She's looking at me. She knows. But she can't help me any more. I've made that impossible. So with a single word she throws in the towel and moves on. She thinks it's the last thing she can do for me. Her last sacrifice.

“Okay”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for the read. Love to read comments. Would especially love it if you've seen this scene done and can point me to it. (i love reading fic almost as much as writing it).


End file.
